Where Is It?

I find myself wondering if this year has changed me.

Some days, I feel very different. I do have different views on things, vastly different, and I handle situations differently. Not always in the "right" way, or in a more mature way, but in a different way. I feel that my writing has matured, and that I'm much more committed to it. I feel that my scheduling has gotten better (through mistakes I have made and situations I've had to resolve, but all the same). I know I've become much more independent.

Other days, I feel exactly the same. I still go out every time I can get a crowd together (not to mention the drunk texts I still send out to everyone). I still get jealous easily, and jealousy leads to immaturity. "I'm sexier than he is, I'm smarter than he is, blah blah blah." It's getting old for me, I'm sure it's getting old for everyone else. But I still do it, drunk or sober. 

Boys get me down easily, much easier than I should let them. The worst part is that they're never TRYING to get me down, or even thinking about me. They still care about me, still love me--as a friend. But I still get down, and it's absolutely ridiculous. No matter where I go, the memories are still there, and I can't seem to get over them. Three boys I've cared about, three boys that don't want anything to do with me further than friends, and I can't get over it.

Will I ever change out of this? Is it a maturity issue, or something more? Is it about love, or obsession, or simply not getting what I want?

Do we change, or do we stay the same until we get what we want?

I don't care if this is immature.

I'm better looking than him.

I'm smarter than him.

I have a much more charismatic personality than him.

I've known you longer.

I've talked to you longer.

I'm better. And I don't care if that sounds immature or cocky.

((The secret of this blog? I know that none of it is true. I just like to pretend that it is.))

Don't make it harder for me than it is.

That Guy.

I always told myself that I would not become "that guy".

In highschool, that guy was J, the infamous homosexual at K High School. He was an over-the-top fag, referred to himself as "the top fag of K High", wore expensive and tight clothes, and was popular. Within a year of not wanting to be "that guy", J and I had become best friends, and I was his right-hand man. 

Becoming "that guy" and getting to know J deeper, I decided that "that guy" was the guy that slept around. Now, I'm not saying that I sleep around, but at that time I was a virgin and J couldn't even remember everyone he'd had sex with. I remember everyone, but I'm certainly not a virgin anymore.

Then "that guy" was the guy that was the 'other man' in a relationship. I mean, I'm amazing, why would I be involved or into anyone who wasn't 100% involved with me? ...I've been the other man, whether it's sexual or just going out for a dinner-and-movie date, four times.

Next, "that guy" was the guy that drank and partied all the time. You know, the guy who goes to the clubs and bars every week, sometimes a few times a week, drinks like crazy, gets driven home by friends who, ever-faithful, makes sure he doesn't go home with someone he normally wouldn't because the guy is buying him drinks and telling him how cute he is. Recently, I had four (or possibly five) guys buying me drinks at the bar, and it was my third time that week, and I had to stay over at my friend J's house.

There have been many stages in between these and some that I'm not comfortable mentioning. I find myself running out of what I see in my mind as "that guy" because I'm probably going to become "that guy" anyway. Is it a matter of growing up and getting away from my "that guy" ideal, is it about accepting that many people are "that guy" and that it's not that big a deal, or have I become the "that guy" that I've so dreaded time and time before?

Diamonds are a Gay's Best Friend.

Though we are all vastly different, I have found that there are only three types of relationships in the homosexual community.

The first is a sexual relationship. This is the most common, since most of the homosexuals I've encountered don't value sex as much as heterosexuals (not saying that this is kudos to heterosexuals, by the way) because the fear of getting pregnant isn't there. Sex can, in fact, get you anything you want--don't deny it or try to be the righteous protestor, because it's damn true. I've seen it, you've seen it, we've all seen it. Yes, it's bullshit. But it's still there.

The second is a non-sexual relationship with sexual tension. This is how enemies are created and the quintessential "bitch fight" results. We're all sexual creatures, I'm not about to deny that. But sometimes one homosexual is attracted to another homosexual who isn't attracted to him and, as a result, the relationship fails and enemies and choosing sides and all that goes along with that stems. This is the most common relationship. Yes, this is also bullshit. But don't deny it's there.

The third is a non-sexual, non-tension relationship. This is very rare. VERY rare. Sometimes the second relationship has weak enough sexual tension that it works, but it's rare that two men attracted to men will have NO sexual attraction to each other. I myself have very few of the third nature, but I must say that they are the best. Just VERY rare. If you deny that number three relationship does not exist, I'm not even sure I'd have a strong argument against you.

I have a friend, J. Previously there was sexual tension, more when we were still getting to know each other. First, he was dating someone (much older than himself) and I was attracted to him. The attraction faded completely, and then he and his boyfriend broke up and he'd be dancing closer to me at clubs and (only when drunk, of course) suggesting that he wouldn't be mad if I kissed him.

However, my attraction was gone. I thought we'd end up having a relationship of the third nature, but it turned out to be of the second. Last night, he got upset about God knows what (Perhaps me kissing B, a different story), and left me, alone and lost, not knowing ANYONE, at a club in Iowa City. 

As I said, relationship two is the most common of the three.

And now, onto a different topic while still on the subject of sex, whatever happened to the old dating ways of yore? Sure, boys weren't dating boys way back when, but they actually DATED. Dinner, a milkshake, a movie. Walk her to the door. Maybe kiss her on the cheek. And many dates would go like that. People didn't have sex, or even do any type of sexual act, when they first met. Boys who didn't even KNOW a boy in person didn't drive three hours to spend the night. Boys didn't expect more than just dinner and a movie.

Now, I'm not denying that I'm a sexual being. I'm hugely sexual--that's what pornotube is for. The boy I find that asks me out, takes me out, and can have weeks of fun with me without doing anything sexual--and not just not doing anything, but even insinuating or mentioning doing anything sexual--will be the boy I'll fall in love with. 

Homosexuals can get married in Iowa. Perhaps that doesn't seem like a huge deal to some, but it changes everything to me. It changes my plans for the future, my ideas about how my life is, and my views on how I'm living my life now. I don't want to go out and get married anytime soon. But meeting someone who's good for more than sex would be fantastic.

This week has been hectic.

AND. It's only Wednesday.

First, Professor H calls me out on slacking off for work study. Whoops. He asked me if I still wanted to do it, and I said yes... Blah.

Then, somehow (laziness probably) I've fallen behind in Russian Lit... by like two weeks.

THEN I realized that I only had a month before school was over and only half of The Railroad written.

THENNN I realized that I haven't even LOOKED at courses for next year yet.

So, what have I done this week:

Made up with Professor H and done his work study stuff.

Made up TWO WEEKS of readings and postings for Russian Lit (which is a lot).

Written... a lot.

Put together my classes, had my advisory meeting with Prof R, and even figured out some of my Sophomore Spring Term.

Wrote a forty-page play that's due Thursday.

Completed both tomorrow AND Friday's homework so that I'm AHEAD for once.

Worked ungodly hours for both A&F and Pizza Ranch.

I think that I may be... Jesus himself.

And now, Jesus is going out with his bestie C and J to Studio. Ballin'.