Revelations

Back to normal. Or whatever I can consider 'normal.' I'm back in Cedar Rapids, which is just a I'd left it. Back at working at A&F, at which I have more than thirty hours this week because all of the employees are from Iowa and they're ALL on Spring Break. Back to my classes, my professors, and my friends.

It feels amazing to be back, but I needed that week off. Sure, the first few nights weren't the best--I was pathetic and reminiscent, as you can all tell from "Attende De Toi", or (loosely translated) "Waiting For You", and I couldn't sleep the first night back and instead stayed up drinking cocktails. (Which lead to me falling asleep in the pew of my church the next day when I went to visit.) However, after I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I took a step back and examined every part of my life.

I know I've made mistakes, which I guess is the ever-famous first step. The hard part was really examining those mistakes, discovering the root of those mistakes, and finding ways to stop them from continuing and prevent them from starting again.

My biggest mistake, along with the only one I'm really comfortable sharing, is of course relationships. I looked at where I've been since I came to Coe: Four boyfriends, four week-long relationships. My two best friends, though they have had their fun, haven't been in any. My friend W told me that I just want a boyfriend really badly, and I think he's right. I'm not saying that I don't have feelings for any of these guys, I definitely do. But to the degree of a relationship, I'm not sure.

My friend B thinks that I just like suffering. This, to a degree, is also true. If I didn't, I wouldn't be ATTACHED to Facebook every night, wondering why B's relationship status changed to "It's Complicated", wondering who the boy with the braces was in S's new profile pic, and why A seemed to have deleted me entirely.

J thinks that I fall in love too easily, but that's not true. I'm not in love with these boys, I'm in love with the idea that I would have someone that liked me and only wanted to be with me. Solution: stop getting so carried away. Dating is fine, and even more, and if I really really like someone then fantastic for me. But just because two people get along for a month and both have the same sexual orientation does not mean that they're meant to be together.

And the particular obsession with B that I've had is something I especially need to get a grip on. He's a great friend, and hilarious to hang out with. But, facing facts. It's been two years. If he ever wanted to date me, even for a second, he would have asked me out already. People don't change, a wonderful revelation given to me by M, and the only thing you can do in such a situation is accept the current situation for what it is and stop trying to change it--because chances are, the change I've built up in my head would be NOTHING like the change that could actually occur.

So my life is back on track. No more getting drunk, bashing boys with their ex-boyfriends on Facebook, getting more drunk, and crying on the floor of the shower stall for me. 

But don't worry, there will still be the whole getting drunk thing. Today is Saint Patrick's Day, after all.